It’s Not That You Don’t Have Dreams—It’s That You Were Never Safe Enough to Dream Them

The Pain of Not Knowing

There’s a particular kind of ache that comes, not from failure, but from uncertainty. Not from rejection, but from emptiness. Not from being told no, but from not knowing what to ask for in the first place.

Many people assume that finding your passion is about following your bliss, or doing what lights you up. But what if nothing lights you up? What if your internal world feels foggy, flat, or silent? What if you’re not lost because you’ve strayed from a path, but because you were never allowed to discover one?

If you're a young adult, or any age, really, and you feel like you’re supposed to know what you want from life but don’t, please hear this: You are not broken. You are not lazy. You’re responding in a very human way to experiences that gave you little room to grow.

It’s what happens when, for whatever reason, you were never given the space to explore who you are.

Why You Don’t Know What You Want

If you grew up with trauma, neglect, emotionally immature parents, or environments that demanded obedience instead of curiosity, you may not have had the chance to form a relationship with your own inner world.

Instead of being encouraged to explore, express, and play, you were likely:

• Expected to be hyper-responsible (parentified)

• Shamed for having needs

• Punished for expressing strong emotions

• Taught that love was conditional on compliance or perfection

• Told who you should be before you ever discovered who you are

And so, of course, you learned to survive by suppressing your instincts. You disconnected from your body, your preferences, your desires; because they either didn’t matter or weren’t safe.

Over time, that survival mode became your default. You became good at enduring but never learned how to choose.

The Myth of “Find Your Passion”

In a culture obsessed with productivity and self-optimization, you’re told that you need to find your one true passion; as if it's waiting somewhere just out of reach, if only you look hard enough.

But for trauma survivors, this narrative can be deeply invalidating because you can’t follow your dreams when you’ve never learned to feel your desires. You need something before passion. You need permission to exist as yourself.

What Needs to Change

Healing begins by shifting the focus from outcome to orientation. The goal is not to discover your purpose overnight. It’s to rebuild a relationship with yourself slowly, gently, and consistently. Here’s what needs to change and how you can begin:

Stop Waiting to “Feel Inspired” and Start Moving Slowly Toward Curiosity

Curiosity is a quiet voice. It often starts with “maybe”. You don’t need a lightning bolt of clarity. You need a spark; just enough to light a candle in the dark. 

Instead of asking What am I passionate about?, try:

• What am I curious about—even slightly?

• What feels tolerable, not terrifying?

• What kind of environment helps me feel calm, safe, or interested?

Allow Yourself to Be in Exploration Mode

You don’t have to pick a career or life direction right now. You’re allowed to experiment.

Try things, not because they’re the thing, but because they might teach you something about what you like, dislike, or never want to do again.

Exploration is inherently inefficient. It takes time, missteps, boredom, and failure. But it’s also how the nervous system learns that life is safe enough to try.

Reconnect with Your Body

Desire doesn’t live in your mind. It begins in your body. If trauma taught you to disconnect from your body, you may not even realize that your body has preferences.

Rebuilding this connection might look like:

Noticing how your body reacts when you’re around certain people or in certain environments

Asking yourself throughout the day: Do I want this? Do I need something different?

Practicing grounding or mindfulness exercises that anchor you in physical awareness

Give Yourself Permission to Want; Even If You Don’t Know What You Want

Wanting is vulnerable. It opens us to disappointment, rejection, and the possibility of failure. But wanting is also the birthplace of aliveness.

Let yourself want something—even if it’s vague. Maybe it’s rest or connection; maybe joy, softness, creativity, or stability. Let that wanting guide your next small step.

Rewrite Your Internal Story

You are not behind. You are not too late. You are not failing.You are learning to write a story that is finally your own. The belief that you should “have it all figured out” is a story you inherited; not a truth you need to live by.

What if you believed:

It’s okay to not know yet

I am allowed to start small

I am worthy of creating a life that fits who I’m becoming—not who I was told to be

Action Steps to Begin Reconnection

If you're wondering where to start, try these gentle, intentional practices:

Create a Curiosity List

Make a running list of anything that sparks even mild interest.

Don’t judge it. Don’t make it “productive.” Just notice what catches your attention.

Maybe you find that spark in:

• Making playlists

• Learning about dreams

• Visiting old bookstores

• Painting

• Cooking

Then, pick one and spend 15 minutes with it. That’s all.

Build a “Ritual of Reconnection”

Set aside a few minutes each day—morning or evening—to ask:

• What do I need right now?

• What did I enjoy today, even a little?

• What felt draining?

• What am I avoiding, and why?

Use a journal, a voice memo, a walk; whatever allows you to meet yourself with curiosity instead of judgment.

Practice “Safe Disappointment”

If fear of failure keeps you frozen, try doing one thing you’re willing to be bad at.Let yourself experience imperfection in a way that won’t break you. This builds the resilience you’ll need to try bigger things later.

Seek Relationships That Allow for Exploration

Surround yourself with people; friends, therapists, mentors, who don’t need you to have the answers yet. 

Find those who ask, “Who are you becoming”?

Not, “What are you doing with your life”?

You Are Not Empty—You Are Unexplored

Healing is not becoming someone new.It’s returning to the parts of yourself that never got a chance to grow.

If you feel disconnected from passion, purpose, or desire, it’s not because those things don’t exist inside you. Your inner world is not empty; it’s just underdeveloped. You are not broken; and you don’t need to know your life’s purpose to begin. You just need to start where you are; with honesty, compassion, and the tiniest flicker of curiosity.